I started this post 2 years ago (May 6, 2021)…Emotionally, I just haven’t been able to make a post. I’m making a commitment to getting back to it. Writing helps me cope, it’s therapy if you will! I believe we all need therapy 
The month of May brings so many celebrations! Bridal showers in preparation for the upcoming summer wedding season. Confirmations, as soon to be, young adults proclaim their faith in Our Lord. For some, the end of school and the beginning of summer vacation. Graduations, be it from 8th grade, high school, college, and even graduate school! Memorial Day to honor and celebrate those brave soldiers who gave their life and freedoms so that I can have mine. And Mother’s Day, a day to celebrate those who gave us our life, were our first home, or those who raised us!
But I have a hard time imagining my life ever celebrating in May again. May…the month I lost my sweet, kind, so very loved momma. Without thought, when I turn the calendar from April to May it’s like my whole body tightens, I find myself trying to catch my breath, but it seems impossible. It’s the month in which the most tears fall from my eyes, or maybe I’m just more aware of their ever presence.
There seems to be reminders of mom everywhere during May, not that there aren’t other months but in May they just stand out, almost standing at attention. My yard comes alive after the winter hardening; there are daffodils and tulips scattered throughout the yard. There covert existence wouldn’t be if it weren’t for mom sharing the bulbs with me. It’s like they spring through the ground to say, I’m here look at me, I’m a physical reminder of the love your mom shared with you. I look at them and smile as I feel a tear tremble down my cheek.
The birds that migrate South start to come back to Wisconsin in May. Mom loved to watch and feed the birds. Her favorite was an Oriole. Call me crazy, that’s okay, I believe mom is talking to the birds and sending us signs and messages through them. I remember the days after she passed, a dear friend stopped by. As we were standing in my parents’ kitchen, she told us to watch for signs, if you look you will find them. She then looked out the patio door and said, “like that bird that just keeps coming back!” There were many encounters with birds in the next few weeks. Like the Oriole that showed up in our yard and seemed to never leave, despite us having NEVER seeing one in the yard any of the 15 years prior. To the bird that flew in Nicole’s garage as Bubba made the urn for mom’s ashes. Squawking at him as he was trying to make a decision on the details of the wood. See Bubba wasn’t happy with the trim he was using. It seems the bird wasn’t either. As soon as Bubba threw that trim aside the bird left the garage. Then there are the birds that have made their appearance VERY close to a dear friend of 30 years, my mother’s other daughter as she would say. Then there was the Sunday prior to me starting this post in 2021. Joseph and I took a ride to Nicole’s we were sitting out in her backyard and all of a sudden Joseph says “is that an Oriole?” That Oriole stuck around for I bet 45 minutes just hopping from branch to branch and then flittering about. And then, another favorite of mom’s, a hummingbird came! I find it very coincidental that while Nicole and I were together, for the first time in a long time, that two of mom’s favorite birds made their first appearances of the year! All 1 week prior to Mother’s Day 2021! Again, those tears trailed down my cheeks.
We seem to think we have all the time in the world. Spring is a reminder of life anew again. We get lost in the idea that with beauty all around us that life is always beautiful. Almost 4 years ago, the harsh reality dived into my life to show me just how untrue that is. But through all of this…the tears, the anguish, the pain, and the suck, I choose to see the beauty, I choose to find the joy and I seek the fond memories!
May will forever remind me of the month we lost my momma; the month we began to plan her celebration of life. And what a celebration it was and continues to be! Happy Mother’s Day in Heaven Momma!
We miss you but LOVE YOU more!