As I head to bed tonight, trying to fend some sickness off, I cannot be more grateful for the friends that I have!
This is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through in my life and it is a club membership that NO ONE wants to be a part of! And if you are a part of it, you really don’t want others to join…not in a snobbish way but in a spare you the pain way!
Today alone, I got 3 text messages-out of the blue- to let me know my dear friends were thinking of me!!! The messages mean more than you could ever know, I hope you NEVER know! Today was a hard day for me…so much emotion. And to receive those messages without them knowing how hard I was battling today was just something else! I know mom is hanging with the angels BUT I’M SURE BLESSED BY SOME ANGELS HERE ON EARTH!! Thank you sweet ladies❣️
I LOVE EACH OF YOU❤️❤️❤️
#SheLoved
#PattiLulu
This post was first written on Facebook on June 5, 2019
THANK YOU! Your show of support today, all of these days since mom left, have been overwhelming to us! We KNEW that mom LOVED BIG and that SHE LOVED FIERCE! But oh my! We didn’t expect the turnout of people we saw today! The number of you whom have reached out with a text, a call, a private message or just a comment! We are all a little behind on responding to everything. I haven’t even read all of you comments for the last almost 2 weeks, some day when I’m strong I will do that, I’m just not ready to be there!
The way YOU all loved her! It’s awe-inspiring❣️ She was an extraordinary human who loved all and believed that love could conquer all! Mom’s passing has changed relationships, changed they way we live, the things we say, the way we love! I will forever be a changed person! There is a large hole in my heart because I loved her so very much. We will ALWAYS LOVE HER. And the missing her will never stop!
THANK YOU for sharing your story about her! Please continue to do so! We were BLESSED, even beyond our human understanding. I hope and pray that I live my life by emulating her! Someday I hope someone tells my story and says the same thing about that is being said about her!!
#SheLoved
#PattiLulu
This post was first written on Facebook on June 3, 2019
Right now I feel like I’d like to punch Annie and her Tomorrow song! Tomorrow is a day I don’t want to come! It’s a day I wasn’t supposed to see for another at least 13 years! My mom wasn’t supposed to pass at age 67 and be the youngest female on her side to pass!! I NEVER in a million years thought I’d be motherless at the age of 45, shoot my great grandmother has only been gone for 11 1/2 years and my grandmother just 10! Women on moms side lived long lives. They were there for their daughters and their grandkids, not gone before their grandchildren graduated 8th grade!
So tomorrow…I don’t want to bet my bottom dollar that the sun will come out tomorrow! I don’t want to face tomorrow! And honestly, rain would be fitting for my mood but not mom’s life! Sunshine makes sense for her life! I just don’t want to see either!
#SheLoved
#PattiLulu
This post was first written on Facebook on June 2, 2019
Right now, friends, I need prayers that I’m brave and strong and able to compartmentalize my brain and remember tonight! This is a night I knew was going to be a rough one for me since the school year started and here we are on our way to 8th grade graduation!! And without mom, Kiddo’s BIGGEST cheerleader😢
Tonight, with your prayers and God’s Will, I will FIND JOY in this event, in this moment! I’m choosing to FIND JOY because mom would want that and she can carry my tears! This moment, 8th grade graduation, saying see you later to many friends meet in kindergarten who we’ve grown with is a moment to celebrate and remember! With my brain working in a fog the last week, I need to focus on being present, enjoying and finding joy! I KNOW mom will be there with us tonight, in fact she may be resting on Kiddo’s shoulder the whole night! She wanted the best seat in the house and she got it!
Prayers please! Lord, be my strength, hold me and help me to be strong, as tonight is the night to be BRAVE AND STRONG❣️
#SheLoved
#PattiLulu
This post was first written on Facebook on May 31, 2019
Today is not my day to be strong or brave. I told Hubby yesterday when I couldn’t pull it back together at work that I honestly feel like being brave is an every other day event for me right now. Yesterday I tried to be brave and moved throughout the office building and it didn’t work out well for me. I’m back to having the door closed on the office that I share with others (they have been so understanding!!).
When I heard this today it reminded me that today is not the day to be brave. My first concert was Madonna, mom took me for my 13th birthday. It was the tassles on the boobs tour, I’m not sure what mom was thinking…NEVER would I have let Kiddo’s first concert be Madonna!!!! In fact he still hasn’t been to one because I cannot find Mr. Rogers on tour! Anyway, I’m a HUGE Madonna fan but I’ve never heard this song, or maybe it just never spoke to my heart before!
Tomorrow I will try to be brave. TOMORROW I will lean on those around me to help me be brave. Today, locked up in my office I will remain!
#SheLoved
#PattiLulu
This post was first written on Facebook on May 30, 2019
Many people have asked what they can do for me and my family during this time of pure and utter hell. You have said “anything”. I want you to know that we all appreciate your offers but the ONLY thing we want, no one can do for us.
Instead, I have a few requests of yourself…
-hug your loved ones! Tell them EVERY DAY that you love them and how much they mean to you! EVERY DAY! While you are hugging them feel them, plant that memory of what their arms feel like wrapped around you, notice it, be present! Also notice their smell, plant that memory in your brain!
-take pictures…MOMS, I’m talking to you here! I don’t mean be the one behind the camera taking pictures! I mean BE IN THE PICTURES!!! Get your mommas in the pictures!!!
-don’t even try to imagine what we are going through! Please don’t! I never want any of you to go through this F’ing hell! This is a place no one should visit!
I guess I have one request for us…just LOVE US! We are not pretty right now! Honestly, I’m okay residing right where I am: feeling broken, crying, aching, fearful, feeling like I don’t want to face the world! I’m okay there right now and for the foreseeable future. I trust I will move from this space. I trust that God is holding us together. I trust we will get trough this. Right now, I feel like this is where I need to be. I feel like if we are all together that nothing else can happen. I feel safe. I feel like if I live in this pure hell at least I’m still connected to her and she knows just how much we cared! So please just LOVE US! You don’t need to be near to love us, I know many are far way. Just let us know you love us and will continue to love us, even when we are angry, jerks, loaners, not returning your calls or messages…JUST LOVE US because SHE LOVED!!!
#SheLOVED
#PattiLulu
This post was first written on Facebook on May 28, 2019
That, my friends, is a large and heavy question! Let’s focus on that question from the perspective of this blog…What is this blog all about? This blog is the creative thought of a good friend who watered the seed of a thought that was sitting on my heart! Here’s the back story of how this creation began.
I lost my mom suddenly and unexpectedly on May 23, 2019 at 9:15AM. As a means to help me grieve, I have taken to Facebook to post my feelings, share my emotions and, honestly, to vent. This has become my release for the past almost 6 weeks. I had made the decision that I was going to grieve publicly. Death, grief: the emotions, the feelings, the darkness, and moving FORWARD are topics not openly discussed in the world I come from. I decided I was going to change that! I needed an outlet for EVERYTHING I’m going through and Facebook was going to be it, or so I thought 😉 I had thought about this decision to grieve publicly and what that might mean for not just me but others. Ultimately, this public journey is not about me but rather keeping my mom’s memory alive and hoping that I could help just one person! Thankfully, while using Facebook as my media, I’ve had numerous people reach out to me telling me that they are proud of me for sharing the thoughts/feelings/emotions that I’m going through or that my posts have helped them deal with a loss. And that, my friends, is how this seed on my heart started!
Fast forward to Friday, June 28, 2019…a dear, brilliant friend sends me a text that says, “Ok, so I just read your Facebook post, and it made me wonder…and please just move on and ignore this if you think I’m crazy, but have you ever thought about writing a blog, or something, anything about everything you are going through? Your words are just so powerful and heartfelt…everything you post from your encouraging words, your grief and all the successes. I just think that other people might like to hear you. Again, I have no idea if you would ever want to do that or are ready for something like that, but it was just a thought I had. You can tell me I’m crazy, it’s ok. 🙂 ” I replied with “It’s funny you say that! The thought has entered my mind…especially with all of this! I had decided I was going to grieve publicly! There is NOTHING that can prepare you for this. I don’t even think if it was an expected death! I’ve lost many people in the last 12 years that were close to me but none were my mother and this is a whole new experience!” I recognized that by grieving publicly that I put myself out there, some people may welcome this, others may shy away and read a couple posts, while others may be turned off completely. As I’ve grown and come into my own person, I’ve learned that is on them…NOT ME!
And so here we are 🙂 An Individual Journey on a Shared Path is created! Grief is a very individual experience! I’m presently relearning this! However, we are all on this same, shared path!
This will not be all doom and gloom, I promise. Yes, this is born out of the biggest heartbreak that I have ever experienced. However, this shared path we are all on is bigger than death! This shared path is life, parenthood, life, joy, life, marriage, life, daughter-hood, life, sisterhood…LIFE! If you feel so obliged, please join me on this SHARED PATH with a peek into my INDIVIDUAL JOURNEY! Hang on tight…Life really is a roller coaster best survived while hanging on to your hat! -JC
As a starting point after this introductory post, I will be sharing the posts I made on Facebook these past almost 6 weeks. I will then pick up with “live” posts!
This! She would have argued and said she wasn’t smart, I think she might agree with the rest though.
My mother was smart but above that, she had a heart full of love, always an ear to listen and a willingness to help!
Yesterday we heard the perfect words…she was AN EXCEPTIONAL human being! I added she LOVED BIG, she LOVED FIERCELY, she LOVED WITH ALL THAT SHE HAD AND ALL THAT SHE WAS! That story went on to say that if this person every heard that someone had a beef with my mom that the person knew it was all on the other person and not my mom, because how could you not love her!!
Your outpouring for my family, my dad, my sister, Bill, myself and the one who brought a sparkle to her eye like none other-Joseph is overwhelming and heartbreaking and appreciated and comforting and needed! We knew how we loved her and how she loved us! But to see how she loved all of you as well and your love for her is a recognition we will fall back on in the days and weeks and years to come. Thank you ❤️
SHE LOVED! and that is how we will go on, wrapped in her love and loving!
SHE LOVED…
#SheLoved #PattiLulu
This post was first written on Facebook on May 23, 2019
