Today, I lost you again. Today it hurt just like it did 18+ months ago. Today, I’m weeping as if I had just held your hand again and then it was gone. Every day, I lose you, but today was different.
Today I lost you again because today, I read your name in an obituary for the first time since your name was at the top of the obituary. Today I read “Preceded in death by…and sister-in-law Patrice.” I knew it would be there, but to see it in black and white…it stabbed me in the heart like the day we lost you. Today, I couldn’t stop the tears. Today, it’s like the scab was ripped open, like I was trying to take off the band-aid and the scab came too, even though I was being so very gentle with it. Today, it’s like the wound won’t heal, it won’t stop bleeding no matter what kind of pressure I apply to it! Today, I’m left wondering how do we go on. What will I do when…I just cannot even type it. I don’t let myself think about the when! It’s just too very much to think about. It’s too dreadful to think about, it literally is paralyzing.
So today, I’m going to get back to work, dry my eyes and push this aside. I know tomorrow I will face it again, in a different manner, but yet the same…Just as I do every day since I lost you!