An Individual Journey on a Shared Path – A blog about life: triumphs, letdowns, loss

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What is An Individual Journey on a Shared Path?

Welcome!
What is this all about?

That, my friends, is a large and heavy question! Let’s focus on that question from the perspective of this blog…What is this blog all about? This blog is the creative thought of a good friend who watered the seed of a thought that was sitting on my heart! Here’s the back story of how this creation began.

I lost my mom suddenly and unexpectedly on May 23, 2019 at 9:15AM. As a means to help me grieve, I have taken to Facebook to post my feelings, share my emotions and, honestly, to vent. This has become my release for the past almost 6 weeks. I had made the decision that I was going to grieve publicly. Death, grief: the emotions, the feelings, the darkness, and moving FORWARD are topics not openly discussed in the world I come from. I decided I was going to change that! I needed an outlet for EVERYTHING I’m going through and Facebook was going to be it, or so I thought 😉 I had thought about this decision to grieve publicly and what that might mean for not just me but others. Ultimately, this public journey is not about me but rather keeping my mom’s memory alive and hoping that I could help just one person! Thankfully, while using Facebook as my media, I’ve had numerous people reach out to me telling me that they are proud of me for sharing the thoughts/feelings/emotions that I’m going through or that my posts have helped them deal with a loss. And that, my friends, is how this seed on my heart started!

Fast forward to Friday, June 28, 2019…a dear, brilliant friend sends me a text that says, “Ok, so I just read your Facebook post, and it made me wonder…and please just move on and ignore this if you think I’m crazy, but have you ever thought about writing a blog, or something, anything about everything you are going through? Your words are just so powerful and heartfelt…everything you post from your encouraging words, your grief and all the successes. I just think that other people might like to hear you. Again, I have no idea if you would ever want to do that or are ready for something like that, but it was just a thought I had. You can tell me I’m crazy, it’s ok. 🙂 ” I replied with “It’s funny you say that! The thought has entered my mind…especially with all of this! I had decided I was going to grieve publicly! There is NOTHING that can prepare you for this. I don’t even think if it was an expected death! I’ve lost many people in the last 12 years that were close to me but none were my mother and this is a whole new experience!” I recognized that by grieving publicly that I put myself out there, some people may welcome this, others may shy away and read a couple posts, while others may be turned off completely. As I’ve grown and come into my own person, I’ve learned that is on them…NOT ME!

And so here we are 🙂 An Individual Journey on a Shared Path is created! Grief is a very individual experience! I’m presently relearning this! However, we are all on this same, shared path!

This will not be all doom and gloom, I promise. Yes, this is born out of the biggest heartbreak that I have ever experienced. However, this shared path we are all on is bigger than death! This shared path is life, parenthood, life, joy, life, marriage, life, daughter-hood, life, sisterhood…LIFE! If you feel so obliged, please join me on this SHARED PATH with a peek into my INDIVIDUAL JOURNEY! Hang on tight…Life really is a roller coaster best survived while hanging on to your hat!
-JC

As a starting point after this introductory post, I will be sharing the posts I made on Facebook these past almost 6 weeks. I will then pick up with “live” posts!

The month of May…

I started this post 2 years ago (May 6, 2021)…Emotionally, I just haven’t been able to make a post. I’m making a commitment to getting back to it. Writing helps me cope, it’s therapy if you will! I believe we all need therapy

The month of May brings so many celebrations! Bridal showers in preparation for the upcoming summer wedding season. Confirmations, as soon to be, young adults proclaim their faith in Our Lord. For some, the end of school and the beginning of summer vacation. Graduations, be it from 8th grade, high school, college, and even graduate school! Memorial Day to honor and celebrate those brave soldiers who gave their life and freedoms so that I can have mine. And Mother’s Day, a day to celebrate those who gave us our life, were our first home, or those who raised us!

But I have a hard time imagining my life ever celebrating in May again. May…the month I lost my sweet, kind, so very loved momma. Without thought, when I turn the calendar from April to May it’s like my whole body tightens, I find myself trying to catch my breath, but it seems impossible. It’s the month in which the most tears fall from my eyes, or maybe I’m just more aware of their ever presence.

There seems to be reminders of mom everywhere during May, not that there aren’t other months but in May they just stand out, almost standing at attention. My yard comes alive after the winter hardening; there are daffodils and tulips scattered throughout the yard. There covert existence wouldn’t be if it weren’t for mom sharing the bulbs with me. It’s like they spring through the ground to say, I’m here look at me, I’m a physical reminder of the love your mom shared with you. I look at them and smile as I feel a tear tremble down my cheek.

The birds that migrate South start to come back to Wisconsin in May. Mom loved to watch and feed the birds. Her favorite was an Oriole. Call me crazy, that’s okay, I believe mom is talking to the birds and sending us signs and messages through them. I remember the days after she passed, a dear friend stopped by. As we were standing in my parents’ kitchen, she told us to watch for signs, if you look you will find them. She then looked out the patio door and said, “like that bird that just keeps coming back!” There were many encounters with birds in the next few weeks. Like the Oriole that showed up in our yard and seemed to never leave, despite us having NEVER seeing one in the yard any of the 15 years prior. To the bird that flew in Nicole’s garage as Bubba made the urn for mom’s ashes. Squawking at him as he was trying to make a decision on the details of the wood. See Bubba wasn’t happy with the trim he was using. It seems the bird wasn’t either. As soon as Bubba threw that trim aside the bird left the garage. Then there are the birds that have made their appearance VERY close to a dear friend of 30 years, my mother’s other daughter as she would say. Then there was the Sunday prior to me starting this post in 2021. Joseph and I took a ride to Nicole’s we were sitting out in her backyard and all of a sudden Joseph says “is that an Oriole?” That Oriole stuck around for I bet 45 minutes just hopping from branch to branch and then flittering about. And then, another favorite of mom’s, a hummingbird came! I find it very coincidental that while Nicole and I were together, for the first time in a long time, that two of mom’s favorite birds made their first appearances of the year! All 1 week prior to Mother’s Day 2021! Again, those tears trailed down my cheeks.

We seem to think we have all the time in the world. Spring is a reminder of life anew again. We get lost in the idea that with beauty all around us that life is always beautiful. Almost 4 years ago, the harsh reality dived into my life to show me just how untrue that is. But through all of this…the tears, the anguish, the pain, and the suck, I choose to see the beauty, I choose to find the joy and I seek the fond memories!

May will forever remind me of the month we lost my momma; the month we began to plan her celebration of life. And what a celebration it was and continues to be! Happy Mother’s Day in Heaven Momma!

We miss you but LOVE YOU more!

I Lost You Again Today :'(

Today, I lost you again. Today it hurt just like it did 18+ months ago. Today, I’m weeping as if I had just held your hand again and then it was gone. Every day, I lose you, but today was different.

Today I lost you again because today, I read your name in an obituary for the first time since your name was at the top of the obituary. Today I read “Preceded in death by…and sister-in-law Patrice.” I knew it would be there, but to see it in black and white…it stabbed me in the heart like the day we lost you. Today, I couldn’t stop the tears. Today, it’s like the scab was ripped open, like I was trying to take off the band-aid and the scab came too, even though I was being so very gentle with it. Today, it’s like the wound won’t heal, it won’t stop bleeding no matter what kind of pressure I apply to it! Today, I’m left wondering how do we go on. What will I do when…I just cannot even type it. I don’t let myself think about the when! It’s just too very much to think about. It’s too dreadful to think about, it literally is paralyzing.

So today, I’m going to get back to work, dry my eyes and push this aside. I know tomorrow I will face it again, in a different manner, but yet the same…Just as I do every day since I lost you!

31,622,394 Seconds

That’s how long it’s been since mom left us.

This blog space has been on my heart so many days in the last year…but it is so hard to come back here and actually create something…I mean from beginning to end! I have a few posts sitting in various stages in my drafts. Today’s post will not end up there. Today’s needs to be typed. Today’s needs to felt. Today’s needs to completed. Today’s needs to shared!

So much hasn’t happened in this year!
We haven’t seen your beautiful face, mom!
We haven’t felt your touch!
We haven’t eaten a meal with you.
We didn’t get to celebrate Christmas with you present in the flesh.
We didn’t watch you overindulge in purchasing gifts for those you love.
We didn’t adopt a family for Christmas 2019 to assist in their celebration while going through a tough time.
We haven’t had your hugs.
We haven’t heard your voice, your advice, nor your I Love Yous-which hurts the most.
We haven’t been the same people as we were prior to 7:15AM May 23, 2019.
We haven’t forgotten you and we NEVER will!

So much has happened too!
We have seen so many “firsts” since you left.
We have sent you text messages and called your cell phone.
We planned your funeral.
We watched Kiddo graduate from middle school.
We had the biggest celebration of you. There were so many people that came to support us at your funeral, YOU WERE SO LOVED!
We brought you home.
We’ve seen days, weeks and months pass by.
We cleaned up the gravesites in Newburg and planted plants, dad just redid it again and put pavers down around the plantings. Granny G and you would be so happy!
We put Dude down.
We celebrated birthdays.
We planted all the flowers you had bought.
We were saddened when other people we know lost one of their loved ones.
We have mended friendships.
We planted a tree and a bush given to us in your honor.
We watched as the sunshine of your life started high school.
We have seen friendships leave.
We had a family gathering, that we know you were present for!
We had Christmas pictures taken with dad and a photo of you. <3
We watched Kiddo’s height shoot up and over take mine!
We ushered in a new year. I wish someone would have told me how difficult that was going to be and HOW VERY MUCH it hurt to start a year in which you would not be a part of. It was like loosing you all over again!
We attended Trivia Night, and enjoyed ourselves though it turns out dad and I aren’t very good at trivia!
We celebrated your birthday.
We watched as this COVID-19 virus was outside of the US and waited for it to invade here as well.
We lived through the “Safer at Home” orders, or as dad called them “the Governor’s house arrest order”.
We have schooled from home and worked from home, oh how I could use you during this season of life!
We have eaten so many meals with dad, to be sure he is eating well.
We laughed! Even when we thought we never would again, we laughed
We’ve stopped counting the hours every day since you left.
We have heard marvelous stories about you, including a new one just today!
We’ve been encouraged by the life you lived and have tried to live our best days to make you proud.
We have told you we LOVE YOU and we will never stop doing this!

Today is Angel Wing Day! That’s what I will forever call May 23rd. There was a time a few years ago mom told me that you were trying to not put a lot of thought into the days in which we lost Granny G and Gigi. That instead she wanted to focus on their birthdays. The thought behind this was celebrating the birthdays of those we love and have lost may hurt less than remembering the day we lost them. While I completely understand this thought, I have decided that May 23rd will be celebrated, not because we lost my mom, I mean that is crazy to celebrate. We will celebrate because we KNOW she was a believer in Christ. We KNOW that because she was a believer that she is now living in Heaven with those who have gone before her. We KNOW ad rest in the fact that because she was a believer and we are too that one day we too will earn our Angel Wings and once again see her and all the others again. And THAT, my friends, is worth a celebration!

My prayer is that as time goes on and we see May 23rd of each year that maybe this hole in my heart feels a little less big, however I know it will never close-nor do I want it to! I’m, having the hole in my heart makes me feel like it is a forever reminder of your presence. An example of how loved I am and how much you are loved as well.

<3 <3 <3

#SheLoved
#PattiLulu
#SheLived
#AngelWingDay

A Moment in time…

May 23, 2019 at 9:14:32AM. A date and time I will never forget. A date and time forever etched in my soul, on my heart, and in my brain. A date and time I wish I could erase.

May 23, 2019 at 7:15AM. Another date and time I will never forget. A date and time, also forever etched in my soul, on my heart, and in my brain. A date and time I wish I could extend for the rest of eternity.

May 17, 2019 6:30PM. Another date and time I will never forget. A date and time etched in my soul, on my heart, and in my brain for all of eternity. A moment I didn’t realize until it was too late to take note of every thing happening in that moment.

On May 17, 2019 in the evening, we sat in the gymnasium listening to Kiddo’s last middle school band concert. Mom sat next to me as we listened to Kiddo play a solo in the Celebration of Taps. Mom was so proud. I cried as I took pictures of him playing. When I sat back down next to Mom, I remember she leaned into me, in a way giving me a hug without her arms wrapped around me. Her lean, telling me she loved me, telling me she was proud of Kiddo, telling me she was proud of me for the young man that Kiddo has become. Her lean, though I remember it now with fondness, was a bit irritating at the time. I was trying to be present for this last middle school concert, trying to mindful for this last concert at St. Paul Lutheran School, trying to be in the moment for this rendition of Taps, which was the first time I heard him play it since my father-in-law’s funeral in January. Here I was trying to push away any sadness or anxiety or fearfulness to just be and allow myself to enjoy this moment and mom was leaning on me interrupting that moment. Of course now, 2 months after her passing I see this lean entirely different than I did at that moment. I truly believe her lean was a nonverbal conversation with me, telling me that I will handle whatever this life throws at me. That I will handle sadness, anger, disbelief, anxiety, grief, the culmination of the year of lasts, the teenage years, high school years, all of it. And I will do so because she will forever be at my side. I always knew mom was my biggest cheerleader, my confidant, my reality check, my home, but that lean was something different. It was her telling me that she would forever have my back! She would forever support me. She would be with me for eternity.

Just 6 days after that final middle school performance, May 23, for some reason there was a need for her to leave this Earth and to be with me, us really, in a different form of support. A different form of always being with us. Had I known what would occur at 9:14:32AM I would have made a call 7:15AM to tell her I was on my way to work and that I was excited to watch the 8th grade vs. the Principal Silly String War that was set to occur right before lunch. I would have asked her to meet me at school so she could also watch it. Instead, I got in my truck and headed to work just like any other Thursday morning, sending a voice text to my boss at 7:22 to tell him I was running late. You see at 7:15 that morning, all was right in the world! That all changed at 7:26 when my husband called to tell me that the ambulance had been called for my mom. This was not a new occurrence, she had been transported before. I can tell you today that I know his voice sounded so very different than the other times he had let me know of this. I know now, looking back, that I knew it in that moment too. I know this because of the calls that I made and the specific words that I used or didn’t use during those conversations. I knew that I was loosing my mom that day. How I knew, I have no idea! Why I felt that, baffles me. And if I could go back to that call, I would not change the way it played out or the actions I took. HOWEVER, I would change my gut instinct. I wish more than anything my gut would have been wrong! Gut instinct is supposed to protect you, not destroy you!

As I rode in the ambulance with mom in the back being worked on by 5 EMTs, I made every conscience decision to NOT be present, not be in the moment and to block everything out for that 15 minute drive to the hospital. I still had no idea what was going on with my mom, why she was being transported; I just knew that dad called on me to ride along and that is what I did. I’m wise enough to know that sometimes your brain knows even better than you do that there are some things you should not see nor hear so it helps you to avoid those. This was one of those cases. I heard crinkling of wrappers. I heard someone say 102, but other than that, I heard the siren blaring down the highway, ricocheting off the bridges we went under and I heard nothing else! It was not until the moment in time that we arrived and I exited the ambulance after receiving directions from a first responder, did I see and realize the criticality of the situation. As they wheeled mom out of the ambulance, there was an EMT on the gurney with her doing chest compressions. At the hospital, there were events that struck me in the moment as odd. I brushed those off as not to be worried about. It wasn’t until we waited for quite some time that we were taken back, only not to mom’s ED room but to an office. The doc explained to us that he had revived her. At that moment in time, I REJOICED! Mom is alive!!! I didn’t even realize she had not been while in the ambulance with me! The doctor gave us information and the plan for her care…and I thought we were in the clear! That is not how things turned out, this after all is not a fairy tale. After other interactions, we were standing at mom’s bedside when at 9:14:32AM the doc looked at the nurse and said “we will call it at 9:15.” At 9:15 the medical staff made the call that mom was gone.

Today, just before 9:15AM, I was sitting in a Corporate meeting that is held quarterly and was told that I was part of a team that had won an award for Living the Values of our company. Our nomination was for in the area of Teamwork. On April 4th of this year, we had a medical emergency at our office. We had a co-worker collapse and ultimately pass away. Those of us on that team were nominated because we came together and quickly, professionally, and with care responded to the situation. I don’t feel like a winner! The nomination was appreciated but winning is not. We were not winners that day. Nor are we winners today. That was a moment in time when we all just wanted to do all we could and walk away with a positive outcome. 7 weeks later, I was again left feeling helpless when there was nothing I could do to help my mom.

A moment in time…that is all that we have! We are given these moments, never really knowing when we will not be offered additional moments nor when we’ve had our last moment! Enjoy your moments, live without regret and seize each moment you are given! Be sure to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you and that you love them. In this moment in time and in all those to come…

Falling apart

Dear Friend…I cannot adequately express what you have done for me! Yesterday’s unexpected landmine rocked me, broke me apart again and not only were you available for me, you came running to sit with me and put me back together! 3 hours that you took out of you day, away from the girls, days before vacation…you just came running!! I LOVE YOU!!! 💕

Thank you❤️❤️❤️

#SheLoved
#PattiLulu

This post was first written on Facebook on July 3, 2019

Want to help…

Truth! So thankful for those of you have done this for me!! You’ve ignored the awkward, stayed and talked…even cried with me! I will forever be grateful for you and I will never forget how you have loved me through this pain!

#SheLoved
#PattiLulu

This post was first written on Facebook on July 1, 2019

Some Validation I was in need of

I highly recommend this book! It validated EVERYTHING I am feeling!! I’ve only finished the first Part I: For Those Who Are Grieving. This section of the book was written as of the author was in my head! I’ve begun Part II: How To Comfort Someone Who is Grieving. So far so good. I’m looking forward to getting to Part III: Grieving Community Forum and Part IV: The Way Forward.

I have the kindle and paperback versions. I didn’t realize until flipping through the paperback that there is a section in the back for journaling and jotting notes!

#SheLoved
#PattiLulu

This post was first written on Facebook on June 29, 2019

And yet we are Thankful

As I posted on Wednesday, grief is a crazy, horrible, complicated thing! It sucks! It is hell!

And it is…so complicated and MESSY!!!!

This morning as I grieve losing mom and missing her I was also feeling excitement, be it anxious excitement! I’m also feeling sad and a bit of joy.

I had a 10:00 meeting with Marge from Stars and Stripes Honor Flight to hand over the donations that so many of you gave our family in honor of mom! We are so PROUD to say that because of you and the life that mom lived-touching so many lives- we were able to hand over money to cover the honor flight for more than 4 veterans!!! 4 VETERANS will fly to Washington DC, with all expenses paid, to see the memorials built in their honor! Memorials that bring so much emotion to just the average visitor but to a veteran tell a story! THEIR STORY! A story of heroism, a story of dedication, a story of loss, a story of honor, a story of teamwork, a story of companionship, a story of bravery, a story of sacrifice, a story of brotherhood, a story of things left unsaid, a story of life, in some cases a story of the loss of their early adulthood, a story of untold stories, and I pray a story of healing!

For me and those I love, those memorials are a story that will not be forgotten! They are a story of freedom and liberty. They are a story that will always live if we as responsible adult make sure that our youth understand the history of these memorials and lives they represent!!

Mom, we knew without question what organization you would want to support! And a might fine one it is!! I learned today that for every dollar donated that 96.4 cents go to the mission of the organization! How very impressive is that!?!?

Thank you veterans for all that you have given us! Thank you mom for the life that you lived and the love that you spread!! I am honored to be your daughter and I promise to live the remainder of my life trying to live and love just as you had! Miss you so much❣️❣️❣️ LOVE YOU even more❤️😘😇😘❤️

#SheLoved
#PattiLulu

This post was first written on Facebook on June 28, 2019

I’d like to give my title back, PLEASE!!!

This… EVERY thing changes, EVERY THING, EVERY LITTLE THING! 💔 😞 💔

Never the same…tomorrow is 5 weeks. Life changed in 2 hours time and I will never be the same person I was 5 weeks ago tonight.

I want to give my title back!!

I want to take Kiddo to his well child/sports physical appointment and not have the doctor ask if there is a family history of heart issues or unexpected death due to a heart attack!

I want to not understand this article!

I want to use my full brain and have it fire on all cylinders!

I want the last I Love You to not be in the past!

I want the promises she made Kiddo make to happen because she is her to hold him to them!

I want to erase the memory of that morning!

I want to take the road trips we planned to take!

I want to see a day without tears!

I want to live without fear of another shoe dropping!

I want to experience a day without tension and worry and uneasiness or answers snapped at me!

I want not be worried about the survivors’ guilt of those I love most!

I want my mom back! Here in the flesh and blood, not walking with me as an angel!

Grief is a crazy, horrible, complicated thing! It sucks! It is hell!

#SheLoved
#PattiLulu

This post was first written on Facebook on June 26, 2019 and inspired by “Only a Motherless Daughter Knows”
https://herviewfromhome.com/only-a-motherless-daughter-knows/

One month…

Started a new book today…Grief Day by Day.

Cannot believe I haven’t talked to her in 1 month! Not since infancy has that happened! I’ve learned so much in this month; things I never wanted to learn especially at this age! I really thought I had another 25 years with her😢 What I learned first was that I will that not only did my whole world change when I lost her but I changed too! I received a new title “motherless daughter”. Would have left that title sitting in the shelf forever if it was up to me!

I also learned that if you had a tragic loss in your life and I knew you then that I did NOT show up for you well! I’m sorry for that! I’ve learned! It’s not the thought or the words that matter at a time like this! It’s the action! It’s the text that you are being thought of, the not accepting no as an answer, the just sitting together-not to solve a problem but to just be, it’s the forcing me to think when I just wanted to crawl up in a ball! For those of you have SHOWN UP for me during this month…THANK YOU! I love you more that you know!

Mom, I’ve learned because of you! Miss you every day, mom! Still waiting for you to walk through the door! ❤️❤️❤️

#SheLoved
#PattiLulu

This post was first written on Facebook on June 23, 2019